Monday, November 1, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"I understand, you're a young man and you're dating my daughter. Sex is a new frontier and exploration is only natural, I just want to make sure there is no unplanned pregnancy, especially with my baby girl."
I didn't think of what I was doing before I spoke with a timid smile:
"Sir, if my sperms are as shy as I am, I doubt they'll show up at all."
Should've Said Nothing,
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Introducing: American Removal and Survival of Explosions - An American Guilde Spot:
The A.R.S.E. - A.G. Spot
Now in 4 Easy Steps!
1) At the first sign of an explosion of any kind, immediately locate your .45 calibre banana clipped poison bulletted sabre rifle, and begin to shoot the explosion into submission repeating the words "pwnography, pwnography, pwnography!"
2) For more stubborn explosions, such as these found in train stations and Israel, a more psychological approach needs to be taken. Begin shouting obscenities at the fiery mass, the more racist the better!
*repeat steps one and two in sequence at least three times before continuing!
3) At this point, we know we have a serious threat on our hands, so as a collective society, we will have to declare war on the explosion. This means deploying all our troops, as well as our troupes! Our soldiers and dramatic types will find creative inspiration in the eyes of their counterparts, and this creativity will bring plenty of glory to the heartland!
4) When all else fails, we will create a bigger explosion to kill the current explosion, we will once again use our sabre rifles, so be sure to stock up on some specially formulated silver bullets made in the Washington Mint! We are going to unfortunately have to shoot George Michael, because we know nothing has ever blown up stronger than he did back in '94!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Recently, the "worldy citizenship" of the StewStaff has been questioned. In response, we will, in this post, publish a conversation between Chowda and Foxy in Africa, amongst the negros, teaching them how to speak American.
Foxy (exiting the private jet): Whoa! It's so hot here!
Chowda: Yeah, we should crank the AC in the jet and leave the doors open so maybe it'll cool outside down a bit.
Foxy: Always with the best ideas! This is why I love you!
Foxy: Phew! Teaching American to Africans is hard! But these Africans will say anything for a tablespoon of this dimetapp! And I mean ANYTHING!
Chowda: Thanks be to Baby Jesus that we brought lunch in the jet. I love McDonalds.
7 Minutes Later:
Chowda: Holy crap! I'm so full, but there's still so much food left! I love the taste but I just can't fit anymore in the belly!
Foxy: Here, watch me. Just chew it to get the taste, and then spit it on the ground near this little mud house.
Chowda: haha! Yeah, it's tasty and fun.
Foxy: hahaha! No instead of spitting this perfectly fine food on the ground, spit it in our drinks so no one can drink them when we nonchalantly leave them where we please!
Chowda: (too busy spitting to relay any witty text)
Foxy: Hey, lets rub the food into the ground so nobody will be able to even taste it!
Chowda: (too busy rubbing food into the ground to relay any witty text)
Foxy: Nice Calves!
Chowda: Thanks! I do squats!
Foxy: No, I'm not talking about your legs, and I know you do squats I'm your trainer. I'm talking about those baby cows behind the mud house! They look as tender as... a juicy steak filled crepe.
Chowda: Yeah, your mom's steak crepes rule.
We Ate That Baby Cow...And He was So Cute, He Had A Name Too, Steven, We Named Him Steven, Then We Ate His Cute Little Tender Body, And He Was Delicious
The First Signoff Was Too Long,
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
SWINE FLU PANDEMIC-
"Don't Lick Those Handrails, Jimmy", said President Obama to Jimmy.
Monday, November 16, 2009
tester2: Hey are you in the camp yet?
texter1: Yeah man, just got here yesterday!
texter1: lolz, dood this Hitler guy is crazy!
texter2: lmao! You're telling me! I got twenty lashings today! Who am I? That guy who those Christians wrongly believe is God's son?
texter2: lol....you n00bz are all the same.
texter1: Well hey, at least we still have Hollywood!
texter2: yeah...yeah we still have Hollywood.
I have to release my inner ocean of angst to you good non-mexican people.
My mother died when I was born,
My dad said my mother was so happy to see me, she died.
My dad was not happy enough to die when he saw me...
I have been questioning the depth our relationship for the past thirty seven years.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
On this 11th of November, it is time for the living to commemorate the brave lives lost years previous, in the great Dinosaur wars. Looking back, I don't think that anyone would have lived if it weren't for Galacticus. The number of times he saved I alone outnumbered that which could be counted upon all my fingers and toes. I miss you dear Galacticus, friend, and brother. In another life I hope to pay homage to you, and somehow repay you for your ultimate sacrifice. My metaphorical turtle dove, I will love you always, adieu, et bon voyage.
Dinosaur, My Heart is Sore
So much more,
Than a reptile with big ass teeth
I love you more,
Than any other could bequeath
Oh dear Dinosaur,
If an angel were to compare itself to you it would become confused as to which of you were the angel and this unlikely yet comical scenario would end with the death of an angel, unfortunate, yet an accurate portrayal of how mighty your power.
Memorial Poem by: Margaret Atwood
The Dinosaur Wars of 1993 C.E.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Today, the Stew Staff stumbled upon the cutest thing to have ever graced our eyes, and its name...I mean his name, is Khagendra Thapa Magar...shockingly the same name I planned on giving my son before his mother stepped in and named him Bryce. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. You know you're setting your child up for failure when you name him Bryce, and if your name is Bryce and your reading this...screw you. Seriously, close this window and don't even think of coming back.
Anyhow, I digress. Back to Khagendra. Khagendra is fifteen years old in this picture and...he's totally awesome. His favorite activity is...basketball. He's not making this easy on himself. He wears awesome novelty sweaters...but he doesn't know that the first three letters of the alphabet on his sweater are incorrect in order...Nepal's education system is ranked 196 in the world...and there are only 195 countries. Things Khagendra is good at: fitting into small places, being an angel, wearing tiny clothes, and the Stew Staff has noted he has the perfect framework for a tap dancer. Beautiful bone structure. Later Gator,